What is so special about friends? Why do they hold such a high rank in our lives?

When we are born, we do not get to choose our parents or family, we do not get to choose our names, we do not even get to choose our culture or religion as these are all pre-determined by the two people who got together and decided one day; it is time to bring us to the world.

I am reading a nice book these days and in the first chapter; the author asks the reader to imagine that one day he wakes up to find himself in land of giants. They all speak a language he cannot understand, he cannot communicate with them, they laugh at the sounds he is making, he cannot eat their food and all he can get is what they give him. They carry him around and make funny faces at him and then roar with laughter.

Then one day, he finds other individuals that have the same size as him, and they speak his language as well. They eat the same food and share the same interests. From that moment onward, one discovers what friendship is all about.

Friends are those people who understand you in the land of giants, they are those who share your concerns and joys, they speak your language. So, it comes as no surprise that friends play a major role in our lives; we cherish them more than family members at times because we got to choose who our friends are.

I had my share of good friends; I have beautiful memories that are my resort when I feel lonely and sad. I remember all the times we sat and laughed when we did not have worries in life. We used to go out and share everything; our laughs were from the heart; honest as the emotions that tickle your heart when you have a crush on someone.

Days went by and life stole each of us in a different direction; each had a new life and a new path to follow; our paths no longer crossed and we all went on in opposite destinations. It is only rare that you find someone who has the desire to keep the paths crossed despite obstacles, and no matter how hard it is to be consistent; they always find a way to communicate and keep in touch.

On the other hand; there is the other kind of friends. These are the ones that have temporary friendships that end with the stage and whenever you run into them again; you feel like they want to hide or they are not thrilled to see you or even are a bit upset.

One of the episodes of “Sex and the City”, Carrie calls this type “frenimies” as they are neither friends nor enemies; they happen to be a mix of both. I really don’t know when some of my friends turned into frenimies; we just drifted apart and we no longer felt comfortable around each other and with time; we just stopped contacting each other altogether. I know it is sad but that’s the way life goes and only those who are true friends do stick around for the hard times as well as the good ones.

I babbled enough here; and all I want to say is that I really miss my friends!

I have been thinking about posting this for some time now and was more determined to do so after the great feedback I received on the "To date or not to date" post last month. Many of the comments stated that it is wrong to open the community to an imported concept like dating for all the bad consequences it will have on our clean society, and that it will only drag more problems, etc.

Assuming that we do not have a dating phenomenon in the Arab World, the above argument might be somewhat valid. However; people have been dating for decades now and it hasn't stopped and my guess that it will not stop at all. Starting from dating the girl next door to our colleague at university or work; point is: dating is an ongoing part of our culture whether we liked it or not.

It might not be as open as western countries as people in the Middle East are doing it more discreetly and needless to say; without parents' knowledge.

I have to admit that the methods used to meet new people are creative. So as an individual; male or female; you are not stuck to your small environment and you can go beyond that with the whole world as your destination.

It first started with placing personal ads in magazines. These are done anonymously where you put a small profile about yourself and are given an ID number for reference. These services are monitored and managed by personnel hired for this specific reason, so the role of this person is "khatba" or matchmaker and they make sure that the information given by the member is true so that they can provide credible service; you can view samples of these services in any of the famous Arab magazines and yes, this method is still widely used.

With more sophisticated individuals who happen to be internet savvy and have access to the web; the process has been simplified and made a lot easier for them and they can now manage it for themselves. The model started with big portals adopting the personal ads as one of the free services provided for the members worldwide. With advertising phrases like: find friends in your own area, more people signed up and placed profiles to get connected with other people who shared their interests so that they have something to talk about when breaking the ice.

With introduction of chatting and instant messaging; the process became even easier and you could meet more people by a click of a button. AOL, ICQ, MSN, Yahoo and others; they all provide the service of searching for people and getting in touch with them. People started meeting online is group chat rooms, and then moved to private ones to have personal talks.

Some have become chat experts where they don’t provide real information about themselves; at least until they make sure of the other party and decide whether they want to take it further or stop it immediately. Those who have a lot of free time on their hands can waste it in internet cafés meeting new people online.

Eventually; this method is being abused all the time and people use it only to make fun of others or hunt desperate-for-attention individuals, blackmail them emotionally and drain their energy through false relations.

Despite disadvantages; the model continued to evolve and grow and more services began to emerge to the service where these services are designed specifically for serious people who want to settle down and marry but don’t seem to find the right person, so the matchmaker has an electronic version now and through delicate sensitive search engines, it can find you several matches to explore and choose from and maybe end up with them in a successful family.

These models started with date.com, eharmony.com, dreamdates.com and many others. Since these services have an international reach, the need rose for a localized or more customized service for our communities in the Middle East and we started seeing them come to life. Only naming a few; bentelhalal.com, qiran.com, e-zawaj, naseeb.com.

Even some of the networking sites have become a cover for the same activity; online dating. From these: hi5, lovehappens.com, bingbox.com, sms.ac and many others.

Can people really meet online and fall in love? Can internet solve the problem of many individuals who do not find their matches in the regular ways? Is this model successful?

Since the medium used (internet) gives a complete anonymity for the user; how can you make sure that the information you are getting is credible and truthful? How can you ascertain that you are not being played by some psycho who has decided to make fun of you and use your feelings as a toy? Do only losers go for this method? Can we generalize and say that if they were not losers they would have met their matches without using internet as a medium? Or there might be some good people out there?

Some people still abuse these channels and use them to hunt for flings because they are bored with their own spouses. They create fake attractive profiles to get to people seriously looking for good company and/or long term relationships. They use all the tricks in the book to get to these people and are prepared to lie their hearts out for the sake of getting whatever they are after.

It cannot be denied that these methods are used; otherwise we wouldn't find so many successful business models like the ones mentioned above. The question is: how do we deal with them? And as a person living in a community who condemns normal dating procedures, would you go for online dating? Would you marry someone you met online?

A few years ago, I attended a seminar with an expert who is considered a guru in Customer Service; Ron Kaufman. Mr. Kaufman went on an on about how we should upgrade from customer service concept to customer satisfaction, and then from the latter to customer delight! Remembering this now, after the lousy couple of days I had; I wish to God that Mr. Kaufman never sets foot in our country!

Mr. Kaufman is roaming the world teaching professionals how to upgrade to customer delight, summing up his knowledge in a great book called Up Your Service, and we are here still struggling with what customer service really is?!

In our world; there is no real meaning for phrases like: the customer is always right! Customer service agents do not realize that they are holding these jobs because they are supposed to serve the customer and make sure that he is content and happy with the product/service provided by his/her company, but what we are witnessing here is that the poor customer does all he/she could to keep the customer service agent happy!

Think about it; why would you even call the company if you did not need any help or service? Yet, these agents hiding behind phone lines or counters are rude enough to treat you like you were an insect that is bugging them and they have turned it into an art to make you feel like an idiot, as if you are supposed to know everything like they do. It is like they want to tell you that you messed up their calm uneventful day by your stupid call, you stupid you!

You can hear it in their voices over the phone that they hate your guts and they hate the fact that they had to answer your call. You can tell that they have this huge frown and wish that you would not ask another question so that they can go back to whatever they were doing, maybe they were playing a computer game or just too sleepy to order their brains to start working. What is even worse is when you can see them when you are getting the so called service face to face; like say when you are in a bank or trying to pay for groceries; don’t you just hate it how they start talking to each other as if you don’t exist? What makes them think that you don’t have anything better to do at that moment?

What makes this even worse and more tragic is that even when they know that they are wrong and that they made a mistake, they do not apologize to you, and they never ever smile! Are they that arrogant that your business is not important to them? Are they that not loyal to the company and they couldn't care less if it lost or gained you as a long term client? Or is it ignorance pure and simple?

We see large companies with hundreds of employees and fancy titles, their organization charts can fill a whole wall, each manager has managers and those report yet to more directors, those directors report to boards and boards to shareholders and the list goes on. They have departments for everything but they are all bubbles in the air that burst with the first customer experience.

I am really sick and tired of all these incompetent operators who do not know the ABC of phone manners, I have had enough of slow cashiers who take ages swapping items through the machine neglecting the line of people piling up waiting for their turn, I can't stand rude workers who do not know anything about their workplaces and cannot answer simple questions, I am fed up with staffs just hanging around for the sake of it and run away at the sign of a customer avoiding eye contact and pretending to be busy with something else and most of all; I am really disgusted with agents who think they are smart and treat me as if I am stupid!

Owners and managers of companies really need to train their people and carve it in their heads that the customer comes first and that he (the customer) is the reason there is a company/bank/organization/supermarket in the first place.

Customers, on the other hand, need to stand up for their rights and never accept mediocre treatment; you are paying to be served and if that does not guarantee you the good service you deserve, then maybe you should work harder on the attitude and make them serve you they way you like whether they like it or not. I can't even count how many times I had to snap at one of these agents who literally drove me crazy!

Needless to say; customer service is still a weird concept in the Arab World at large, and there Mr. Kaufman trying to upgrade their service to satisfaction and then to delight. My guess; it will be many years before we see this happening here, that is unfortunately of course!

Virginity has proven to be the most taboo of the taboos in the Middle East and probably in many other places around the globe, however; Arabs are more obsessed with it than any other nation. As the epitome of honor, virginity issue is the line that you cannot cross and sometimes; you cannot even talk about or discuss even with the closest of your family members and friends.

My favorite magazine VIVA digs deeper in the hidden secrets of women in the Middle East and talks about their obsession with virginity versus their desires, self restraint and will power. It also discusses the remedies and lengths these women would go for to escape inevitable consequences that, in most cases, might lead to their deaths.

A spectacular article in the April issue, under the title "White Lies", sheds the light on this growing phenomenon in our communities. Overlooking or even denying that such acts does not mean that they are not happening for real. Research and statistics show that it is a very serious matter that is affecting more people every day.

So the girl does the ultimate sin and loses her virginity before she is married, a guy proposes to her and she is faced with a very critical situation as her secret will be out in the open and she will soil the family name and honor, and she might get herself killed in the process. What is she to do if this happens?

The article shows that there is an increasing phenomenon in our communities nowadays; for a few hundred dollars; a woman can restore her virginity and replace her hymens a little before their wedding nights to make sure that it will break in her first night with her husband, as the sign of blood seems to be the only way to prove that she was a virgin; her husband and her whole family would be relieved that she will have maintained the family honor till the end.

This operation is called hymenoplasty; it is performed in secret because it is illegal. In most cases; the doctor will perform the surgery in his clinic unless it was meant to be for long term results, which needs more time and precision to make sure all goes well, so the doctor performs it in a hospital under another medical condition and it passes as such.

The statistics stated by doctors are quite shocking; as one of the doctors in Lebanon says that he makes this operation for at least 80 women per year, and that the highest number of cases are done in the summer because it is a marriage season and girls want their fake virginities before the wedding. A doctor in Egypt says that he does it 2-3 times a week. Other doctors in the west state that the majority of their clients are Arab women who want to fix the problem before their weddings, but other clients want the surgery for other varying reasons. The operation is perfectly legal in the west and is classified as cosmetic.

Arabs lives are marked by double standards; men sleep around with many women but when it is time to get married; they want a chaste woman with a pristine past; she must be a virgin and he must be the first man in her life. Women want to live their lives like men but the responsibility of their family honor lies on their shoulders, so she is not as free as her male peer to do what ever she desires; and if she ever did, she cannot easily get away with it like he can.

Putting aside religious and cultural aspects aside, and digging into the reality of the situation; where have we reached and what the heck is going on in our societies? Girls sleeping around before they get married and lose their virginities to men that are not worthy; they claim that they did it out of love and because the guy promised to marry them; blah blah blah.

On the other hand; men have been sleeping around for ages and virginity is no issue for them because they don’t need to prove that they were not playful; in fact; they are even proud of it and brag about it. To them; the will power of women has become a challenge and they would do anything to test it and see how far can she go before she gives up and gives in; after they get what they want; poof! They are out of the door and out of their lives leaving them to deal with the consequences of their mistakes; their life altering mistakes.

Another variable has been added to the equation; the doctors who believe in their hearts that they are the knights in shining armors saving the lives of these girls by giving them the fake hymens and saving the day with a few drops of blood in the wedding night.

This is really sad and pathetic.

Honor is not measured and evaluated by the bloody sheets of the wedding night; it is not a so narrow concept to be degraded to this low level. Women who want to fool around can do that and keep their virginity intact, and men of today are aware of this difficult equation and help her out. Where does trust fit in the equation then?

Many questions come to my mind; women who choose to sleep around out of wedlock; if they are convinced that what they are doing is wrong, why do it in the first place and then run around seeking a surgeon to restore her chastity? Men who sleep around with women out of wedlock; if you are so free and have no problem in having intimate relationships with women, why do you insist on having a virgin wife and leave the others that you soiled to deal with the consequences?

Is it the forbidden fruit that keeps people obsessed and base their whole lives on lies? How does a man make sure that he is marrying a real or a fake virgin if the blood is his only proof? When people make choices, why do they run away afterwards and don't stand by their decisions and defend them if they were not doing anything wrong? Why not choose a path and stick by it?

The level that we have sunk to is very low and it makes me very sad. We live in a culture driven by strict traditions and religion and we cannot deny that abiding by them is the best way to lead our lives on the right path. It is wrong to import habits and try to apply them in a place where they don’t fit as this will only lead to more broken bones in the body of the community that we really need to keep clean and healthy. These words address both men and women equally as we are in this together.

Blogging world has introduced us to new dimensions of human communications; it has opened a large window of opportunity for over zealous talented individuals to be committed to their blogs and their readers, and that is the foremost motivation that keeps them going and interacting with the whole world through this very easy tool that is available to all of us.

What makes blogging even more exciting is the direct interaction with the audience and the immediate feedback.

Since the main feature of the blogs is the fact that they represent a personal point of view, this causes many conflicts between the blogger and the readers, and among the readers themselves. Just how many times we have read long debates on certain posts and maybe even participated in some of these debates, especially when the post is highly controversial.

Having said that; I think you all agree with me that the comments represent another active means of communication that should be governed by guidelines and etiquette, just like any other communication method. Since we have witnessed many a time how some comments cross the lines of common courtesy; I got interested in investigating more about this and see if there are such rules that are worth mentioning.

So, I took a virtual trip around the virtual globe searching for the unwritten guidelines and decided that I would post them on my blog hoping to help is increasing awareness about this very important issue, so here we go;

Before I go into details about the guidelines; remember that as a commentator who wants to reply to a certain post and/or comment, you are a guest in the blogger's virtual house which is the blog, hence; you are obligated to show the minimum level of respect and courtesy towards the owner and his other guests (other commentators).

So, before you decide to post your comment, keep the following guidelines in mind:

-         Read the whole post before you add your comment and I mean read it; do not skim through it or just read one or two lines of each paragraph.

-          Make your comment relevant to the post topic as much as possible. If you do not have anything to add, simply don’t comment.

-          Helpful criticism and lively debate are the point of comments.  It is easy to offer the first and have the second while obeying guidelines and maintaining a courteous dialogue; even if you think low of the point of view presented in the post and/or comments, do not express ridicule or underestimate the other point of view in an offensive manner.

-          Never assume that you know the people behind the blog and/or comments and judge them according to your convictions; always leave room for constructive discussion.

-          If for any reason you felt negatively provoked by a post and/or a comment; do not post your own comment immediately. In other words; do not be reactive and lose the edge of the debate, rather be responsive and wait for a sufficient period of time before you start pouring your mind/heart in your comment.

-          Try not to leave irrelevant links in the body of your comment as the blogger would not appreciate so many exit points from his post to something that is not directly related. Besides; you are already given the opportunity to post a link to your own blog in the personal information section; benefit from it.

-          Do not blatantly promote yourself. An interesting comment will make people investigate you, and that is better than any commercial you could write.

-          Keep the cursing and profanity and vulgarity to a minimum. There might be kids reading that specific blog, parents read it, spouses read it, friends read it … etc. Intelligent people who can follow an argument without having key points highlighted for them by gratuitous uses of offensive words also read that blog, so do your best to be as polite and courteous as possible.

-          If you feel that a certain debate is taking a more personal aspect between you and the blogger/another commentator, take it offline and use other means of communication to end it.

-          If you choose to comment anonymously; the least you can do is sign the comment with your first name or initials, however; if you insist on anonymity; make sure that your comment follows the guidelines and don’t take advantage of your anonymous status and hide behind it to attack everyone else.

-          Make sure you follow lingual guidelines, such as:

o        Never use "All" Capital letters in your comment because like email and chat communication, capital letters are equal to SHOUTING!

o        Use short sentences and paragraphs if your comment is longer than usual

o        Limit the use of acronyms and abbreviations unless they are familiar to everyone.

o        Review your comment before posting it for spelling, grammar, correct punctuation, general content (does the comment say clearly what you want to say?) and general readability (is the comment logical, clear and easy to understand?)

I hope I covered everything here. I know that these are a lot of guidelines, but many commentators think that they can offend others whether bloggers and/or other commentators and get away with it, and I thought that something needed to be mentioned in this regard.

Please feel free to add your own rules so that we can come up with general guidelines for everyone.

I am about to talk about something that was discussed many times. It might be the most controversial topic in our Islamic and Arab worlds. I will do my best to be as objective as I possibly can because this issue in particular hits on my nerves. Polygamy has always perplexed me in its core concept; it always baffled me how a man can take more than one wife and be as sane and stable as any other normal person!

Putting all the religious arguments aside, because I am sure that this is the first thing that men will say; God has given us the right to marry not two, not three but four wives at the same time. I am not going to get into the religious aspect because men who practice this right are not even qualified to practice it from the beginning. It is true that God has privileged the Muslim man with this, but it was not without conditions and prerequisites that a minority of men meets.

What I am talking about here is the human aspect and consequences of such act. I have witnessed some cases of polygamy first hand and more often than not; men do it for their own pleasure and whims, forgetting about the conditions that God has outlined for them in order to practice this right.

The most common scenario is when a man goes through a middle age crisis that turns into a lifetime agony for his first wife and kids and probably for him as well. He marries his first wife and together they start a family; she helps him fulfill his dreams and move up the ladder of success. Her help to him varies from taking care of the household, the kids, helping out from her own career, his personal needs; mental and physical. When he finally becomes the dream; he looks for something to give him back some of his lost youth; and all of a sudden; his wife is no longer suitable for him; he needs a younger, more beautiful and more sophisticated woman who measures up.

The poor wife is in the dark. Yes, she might feel that there is something wrong and she might investigate what is going on with her husband, but what can she do? If she confronts him; she will be making is a reality too soon, so in the hope for this crisis to pass; she keeps quiet until she is surprised with the fact that she has to share the man of her life with another woman, and her kids have to share their father with another family.

In most cases; the woman prefers to accept this humiliation to her femininity for the sake of her children; because she does not want them to lose their mother as they have lost their father. In fear of her husband never coming back to her and her kids, she accepts his presence and does her best to make him feel comfortable. He has forced her into a competition for his love and affection, and she has to pull all her womanly charming tricks to win him over. She has become one of the women in his harem after she had been the only one. Not only she has to compete for his love, but she has to compete with a younger, more beautiful and more sophisticated woman who has become his new love bringing with her all the excitement that comes with anything new.

The minute he decided to marry someone else; he stopped treating his wife as a human; he considers her as property challenging her to even object because if she does; she is risking depriving her kids of their father and might get herself divorced taking the shame and disgrace of that to her own family and maybe losing her kids in the process.

Why does she have to be the one to compromise and sacrifice? Isn't he a father and has his kids' best interest in mind? What makes his personal needs more important than hers or her kids'? What makes OK for him to insult her like this and get away with it? It is his selfish nature that drives him to become a cruel person and forget about the woman who shared his life, only to satisfy his manly ego and fall for a woman who does not care whose lives to wreck in her search for her own happiness.

The religious argument here is unacceptable because God is just, God is fair and no way will He accept that the man does this to his wife and family in the name of His teachings; justice and fairness are the most important conditions for the man to be qualified for polygamy.

What a woman is to do when she is put in this situation? Should she accept her husband's selfishness and stay with him? Should she refuse and leave him risking losing her kids? Who said it is fair that she goes through this while he goes on a honeymoon renewing his youth and love? Who said that she is less human than him to accept sharing him? Who said she does not have needs exactly like his? Why are his needs more important than hers?

It is really sad that some women reach a state where they prefer that their men get themselves thousands of mistresses than a second marriage. I can't blame them for wishing so and I understand why they would, but do men get it? Do they comprehend the amount of humiliation they force their wives and families to undergo? Does he feel compassion towards them or he does not even care as long as he satisfies his desires?

I am really sad for all the women who have to go through this and I call for fellow women to think twice before wrecking a home and taking a man from his wife and family. Chances are: he did it to her; he will do it to you!

Three weeks ago, I posted about married men who have girlfriends and discussed some of the reasons and consequences causing and resulting from this action. I received a great feedback from the readers; one comment in particular caught my attention and inspired this post.

When two people come together and decide that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they do not put in their forecast that they will end up leaving each other. They have high hopes of a life full of love and warmth; they want to start a family and be together and live happily ever after. Isn't that why people get married in the first place? To be with someone they love and start a family? Isn't that the reason behind considering death to be the only thing that can separate them? Until death do us part?

What if death does not refer to one of them? What if death refers to their relationship, their love, their passion, their togetherness? What happens when one of them loses interest in nurturing and maintaining the relationship?

Love alone is not enough to make the marriage work and succeed and I believe that we all have reached this conclusion from what we hear, see and experience first hand. What does make the marriage work and succeed though, is the persistence from both partners and their commitment to the each other and the relationship. Marriage needs a lot of work and takes so much effort from both of them, and they are obligated to work together as a team, because if one of them builds and the other destroys, the marriage is doomed to fail even if only behind closed doors.

The most fatal mistake that couples commit is the lack of communication or even its mere inexistence. When the couple do not talk and communicate, they will be alienating one another and eventually grow apart. Once this happens; each one of them moves on in a different direction on his/her own, they only share kids, house, sleeping space, couch, expenses and most of all share fights.

Years pass them by and the love seed that they once dreamed of to grow into a beautiful tree has dried; they did not give it attention and certainly did not nurture. Then comes along the blame game; he thinks it is her fault because she got distracted by her career, kids, house … etc. and never gave him, her husband, the kind of attention he wanted and therefore; he sought this attention with someone else, and she thinks that it is his fault for not spending enough time with her or the kids, he spends most of his time out of the house, he cares more about a football game than talking to her or taking her out and therefore; she pours her attention on things that give her satisfaction and the cycle never ends.

If you feel trapped in your own marriage; it is much better that you sit down with your spouse and talk about what is bothering you, open up and be honest. God has created man and woman in a way that they complement each other, they are not to challenge each other, they are not to overpower one another, but they are to live in harmony and peace, they have to work together as a team to make this work for both of them and for the sake of their family. If and when they reach a stage where they lost interest in one another, the only person they need to talk to, is the spouse and no one else. They owe it to one another to give a chance to make things better and try to rekindle the love flame, to reconnect and to be a family one more time.

If after all the effort, they still feel like strangers, maybe it is better for everyone that they move on separately and search for happiness elsewhere. If kids are the only reason holding them together; it is the worst possible reason to build a successful marriage and kids will not appreciate it.

Some of you might say: it is easy for me to say as I have not been in the situation. This might be true; but I cannot imagine myself stuck in a marriage that does not satisfy me in every possible way and not say anything about it.

If you are facing a problem with your spouse; going to a friend or a relative to rant about it is not a solution, making a decision to be unfaithful and move into another relationship will only make things worse, letting your soul die and turn into a machine that does emotionless chores under the name of obligations will kill every possible hope for this marriage to ever succeed.

Marriage is tough enough; life itself is hard and needs a lot of effort and work to pull through; don’t lose your best ally, your best friend, your loved one, your spouse. Do not lose your way and wander in the life maze without someone holding your hand to support you; God knows it is hard to do all this alone!

Global and worldwide is the range where this phenomenon extends; sad and severe are the consequences.

Relationships and friction between people creates conflicts, differences and stubbornness make these conflicts sink in and become huge obstacles for all those involved. Humans are all about feelings and emotions; that is what distinguishes them after all; they have feelings.

One of the main phenomena that grab my attention over and over again is domestic violence. It perplexes me how a person (man or woman) would use violence as a means of proving status or authority, or even as a way of expressing anger towards something or someone.

This is a phenomenon that is widely spread in Jordan and that is so unfortunate and sad. More often than not; the party with the better status in the household is the one who tends to be abusive and violent, and in our world; it is almost always the man.

Our ancestors used to consider hitting a woman to be a big disgrace and will soil his honor and insult his manhood. What happened to our men ever since? Is it the fact that women have changed and grown a lot? Is that men cannot and will not accept women as equals and respect them as humans? Do they use fear to maintain their status as the ultimate authority in the house? What is it that makes them react with their hands?

I cannot deny that our culture has grown so much and small changes have been quite evident on our people. However; a lot takes place behind closed doors and many women are being violated and abused in most horrific ways. They are being beaten; insulted, humiliated, degraded … you name it.

I am sure that I will be accused of being a feminist (not that I am not!) and some will say that it was mentioned in the Holy Quran that a man can discipline his wife by beating her and I am sure I will hear all sorts of arguments, however; this does not change facts and it certainly will not make me change the way I look at this issue. Men need to take two steps backward and look at the situation as outsiders and then make a just judgment. Would he accept that a man takes liberty in beating his daughter just because he is her husband? When his daughter comes to him crying and humiliated, would he tell her to shut up and go back to get beaten again? Would he accept that she lives as a broken soul?

If a man thinks of his daughter before he beats his wife, would he do it?

Nothing justifies beating another human being even if you had authority over him/her. God blessed and privileged us with brains to think and gave us the ability to talk so that we can communicate using language, not hands. What we are witnessing though; more women are joining the club of battered and abused women; they become broken from the inside, they lose their humanity and turn into something that is far away from who they once were; how is that fair?

The abusive husband tends to adopt this poisonous behavior with his children as well and it is more likely that when a man abuses his wife, he would be abusive towards his kids as well, and all of a sudden; this becomes normal starting a vicious cycle or battered generations of boys who will grow to become abusive husbands and fathers, and girls who will grow to become abused and battered wives.

Men who do this make me sick; there is always a choice between humanity and animalism, and there are many valid ways for the man to prove his manhood and masculinity without turning into a monster who only sees fear in the eyes of his family members. Fear can be planted but respect is earned guys, if you are facing serious problems with your wives that lead you to losing control; maybe it is time to look for solutions rather than making the problems worse. How would they like it if the roles were reversed and they were the ones getting beaten and humiliated? Would they still think that it is not a big deal for a man to hit his wife?

Some study stated that 78% of women in Jordan approve or even support that men should hit their wives. Let me tell you what I think about such women; they make me even sicker, and they are disgrace to all women kind. It is a fact that the worst crimes are those of passion because they are triggered by deep rage, and this is the logical evolution of anger that is causing domestic violence; is that what we want our community to be?

For all the abusive men out there; start treating women with more respect and humanity; put yourself in their place and see how you would feel if you got beaten and insulted, and then act. For all the women out there; stand up for yourselves for God's sake; if you continue to take this treatment; you are not only ruining your own life, but also the lives of your children for many generations to come. Both men and women share the responsibility and must work together to inject some positive change in their lives and the community at large.

Time to raise the STOP sign to all shapes of domestic violence; enough is enough!!

Offense is the best defense, how many times have we heard this phrase and maybe even experienced it first hand by either being the offenders or the defenders? Things keep coming around; one day you are on this side and the next day you are on the other; it is not even humanly possible to stick around one side indefinitely!

Having to be in this vicious cycle of offense and defense makes me wonder about the causes and reasons behind these behaviors or attitudes. Some people get deeply indulged in one of these sides that it becomes a constant attitude or maybe a nature, which makes it harder to those around them to be always on their toes.

Those who choose to be always defending themselves and their actions are a real pain. You have to always be careful around them because anything that happens, magically becomes their fault, they start saying they are sorry, they try to make things better when in most cases they can't, they feel so bad that whatever happened happened and try to justify the whole situation.

When you are dealing with a person who is always on the offense side; nothing ever seems to be satisfying to them, they always find something to complain about and more funny is how they always manage to make any situation personal, even if you are talking about the weather; they would think that you are sending them a message. What makes this really irritating; is that they don’t think before they act, they just lock and load, march and fire!

I believe that the normal human behavior is to be sometimes here and sometimes there, depending on the situation while maintaining a neutral attitude in between. What are way abnormal are the two cases where one is completely biased towards one side all the time.

It is obvious that those who are always on the defense suffer from low self-esteem and have many insecurities inside their minds. On the other hand; those on the offense side may seem to be strong willed and level headed, but truth is; they suffer from the same insecurities and low self-esteem as the first kind; they only react differently.

There was one time when I was watching Oprah Show, and she was talking about how we tend to judge others easily. Simple things that we say indicate that we are suffering from some insecurities and are pointing them out in others; like when we say (just mentioning a few for the sake of giving an example):

-          What an awful driver he is

-          Look at the way she is dressed

-          That is not the right way to raise a child

-          You always give ridiculous excuses

-          How dare you say that in front of everyone

Many of these statements indicate that the person has some issues and suffering from weaknesses that they are trying to hide by emphasizing their authority or alleged superiority. The problem with this kind is that if you take a reaction to anything they say or do, the cycle of offense will keep growing because they never admit they are wrong or even apologize for what they say or do. In their mindset; they have the right to say what said and do what they did, and they even justify bad manners and inexcusable actions by resorting to authority and fake status they designed for themselves. Needless to say; I feel sorry for such individuals!

Some of us deserve to be saluted for their ability to deal with their own fears and insecurities. Communication is a true art and once and for all; we have to understand how to respond and not react. Relationships are hard enough and if you can't handle the pressure induced by them, you will end up losing your friends and those who love you will have a very hard time dealing with you. Always remember to listen with empathy, respond not react, respect is earned, trust is earned, put yourself in the others' shoes before you start insulting them and most of all; remember that insulting people will not make them feel better about you; you are just one individual and certainly not the center of the universe, so not necessarily that everything said or done is about you; get over yourself and most importantly; get over your fears!!